Pun Krock

Axis II Malware

2008-04-06T23:12:00.004-05:00

After viruses, Trojan horses, worms, bots, and other spyware, the latest in computer malware started from mental health billing software. It is malicious code that gives your computer a Personality Disorder. It might be difficult to detect, since every computer has a "personality." The following list should help distinguish "normal" computer "quirks" from actual pathology.

How to recognize the types identified thus far:

Antisocial

Sells your private info to other ASPD computers on network
hogs processing power from other programs, corrupting their files in doing so

Avoidant

information in hard drive will not come out
Chat programs malfunction unless friend rating is 100%

Borderline

the screen becomes all black and white
sudden appearance of multiple users inaccessible to the main user/administrator

Dependent

computer cries when you try and shut down
has greater impact on laptops, which cease working when you detach from dock and leave home with it

Histrionic

the graphics improve dramatically, but when you try and zoom in for more detail, the page disappears
when recalling saved documents, key words are missing

Narcissistic

the processor and RAM always indicate more power and memory than actually available;
when you try and correct these errors manually, the drive crashes
Desktop photo and screensaver are pictures of itself

Obsessive-Compulsive

spellcheck is always on
errors of Boolean logic and basic computer code occur, because the processor cannot decide between 0's and 1's
Will not allow you to empty trash/recycle bin

Paranoid

webcam is always on
there is a delay between typing characters and seeing words on screen because the processor is trying to analyze hidden commands

Passive-Aggressive

applications freeze unexpectedly, and just as you are about to give up and restart, they start up again, and then freeze right before you try and save your work
the keyboard is frequently charged with static electricity

Schizoid

keyboard will not operate if touched by skin
the screen only operates in grayscale
all photos become black outlines

Schizotypal

all fonts become mixed together and formatting changes randomly
sudden responses to infra-red signals from distant devices
mp3s start playing backwards

High Five

2007-01-18T02:16:00.001-06:00

High Five, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

This one goes out to the Newly Licensed triathlete AWESOME!!!!

Fake It 'Til You Make It

2006-01-16T18:29:00.001-06:00

While I'm giving my drawing hand a break (how's that for an excuse), I want to include one definition that was forged after the original list was committed to Word. My wife and I conjured this one up:

Opossthumous - describing work that is published after playing dead

A bit of a tangent

2006-01-05T11:05:00.000-06:00

I wouldn't ordinarily do this, because I tend to be a stickler for self-imposed rules, but I feel the need sometimes to express myself in words rather than toons (weird condition, I know). Anyways, a couple of years ago, I started getting emails from friends that included a list of words from a Washington Post contest or something, where the goal was to provide new definitions for words by altering the original words by one letter (for example, Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.).

So, taking up the challenge on my own, I decided to come up with my own personal list, sticking to the rules for the most part (adding, removing, or changing a single letter). Furthermore, as a compulsive quirk, I organized the list so that I would have two representatives from each letter of the alphabet. SO, here they are, a non-visual deconstruction of the English Language:

Acronymph - Some EXpert Pornstar’s Official Title

Angoraphobia - the fear of wearing scratchy sweaters

Bibble - book shaped napkin used by fundamentalists for protecting themselves from the hypocritical drivel that spews forth from their mouths

Bore-Again Christian - (self-explanatory)

Brat race - the life-style that turns your mind into sausage

Celestiality - fantasizing about having sex with animal constellations

Competer - the latest in electronic penile prosthetics

Dietribe - a group that comes together to lose weight but argues with other about which method is best

Downloaf - wasting time at your job copying music from the internet

Dreadlock - when two rastafarians cannot disentangle their hair after sex

Drive-shru – the voice that screams at you when you can’t decide what you want at the take-out window

E-meril - annoying electronic communication that is announced with ‘Bam!’

Escalaid - scoring on a date as a result of one’s car (c.f. “Hummer”)

Euniche - the cavity in which men can tuck their testicles to appear female

Fellazio - after a long day at work, when you’re too tired for intercourse

Fondues – the food you lose when it falls off your skewer into the pot

Gastrophysics - the science of measuring projectile vomit

Gonafide - a positive paternity test

Hearshey - death by chocolate

Helter Skeltzer - used to relieve numbness from an excess of bad horror movies

Hospility - the nature of interactions with nursing staff under managed care

Incompoop - someone who invests in a time-share that turns out to be a cesspool

Irritable Bowl Syndrome - lacking cable TV, the sufferer can only watch one college football championship game

J-lox - used for tabloid indigestion

Judgmint - a lawyer’s salary

Kermidgeon - a grumpy old frog

Ku Klutz Klan - the last member died after tripping into a burning cross, because he forgot to cut the eye holes out of his sheet

Laissez-fair - attitude of settling for mediocrity

Loo Manchu - a mustache that resembles a toilet flusher

Misogymnast - athlete who believes gymnastics is for sissies

Multipry - several “inquiring minds” simultaneously asking for information

Nanysecond - the time it takes for a babysitter to change personality when the parents leave

Nocturinal - the alley behind a bar

Oprash - a skin condition caused by rapid weight fluctuations resulting from changing diets

Overboar - ridding a yacht party of a callous and tasteless guest

Psychiatryst - (kind of obvious...)

Pumple - a skin condition caused by excess use of anabolic steroids

Pyroglyphics - the writing is on the fire-wall

Quaundry - does light blue go with the whites or the colors?

Quiot - using an iPod to drown out the noise from a crowd

Renefade - an old rebel who was unable to “burn out”

Rogainer - a challenging board dive that leads to the loss of the swimmer’s hairpiece

Sandalism - destroying property with foot odor

Swimp Thing - a weakling half-man-half-vegetation mutant

Tigger finger - itching to silence rambunctious, obnoxious cartoon animals

Triump - winning on “The Apprentice”

Udderby - a wet T-shirt contest

Underwar - a fight to defend oneself against being given a wedgie

Valuum - a household appliance with a soothing hum

Vehiccup - the last sound a car makes before it dies

Vindictment - a sentence handed down with spite: repeated viewings of “The Pacifier”

Webber grill - a device for torturing Andrew Lloyd

Wrecreation - a stick in the mud

Xerotix - using the office copy machine to make photocopies of genitalia

X-Rayon - see-through polyester clothing that causes skin cancer

Yes-mend - soothing a CEO’s bruised ego

Yestergay - trying to go back in the closet

Zebla - someone bored with racial distinctions

Zomaybie - between alive and living-dead

Conan

2006-01-03T22:35:00.000-06:00

Conan, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

Another stretch for the new year, this time requiring an effort of Punz & Franz to pump--YOU up! But then push-comes-to-shove'll get you every time.
(p.s. check out who's on TV... in a ditch-ital format, spade-for by pub-lic Attilavision. C'mon, everyone, pylon!)
I dedicate this toon to my mom, who passed away one year ago today

Nosferatu

2006-01-02T15:32:00.000-06:00

Nosferatu, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

Happy New Year!! I thought I would start the year off with a bit of a stretch.

Llamas

2005-12-03T23:03:00.000-06:00

Llamas, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

A hit from yesteryear, boy time sherpa-sses by quickly.

Horabull

2005-12-03T23:02:00.000-06:00

Horabull, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

Another one from the archives, singing Bovi-nagila. Sometimes being a bull in a china shop is a welcome thing, I guess

Parisites

2005-12-03T23:00:00.000-06:00

Parisites, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

What happens when you eat too many French fries, French toast, and French dressing. Get an Eiffel of this... and you will be stricken by Arche-hives... Puni encore!

Diggin the past

2005-11-29T23:25:00.000-06:00

Bed-head, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

Well, after a long dry spell (that's L-O-N-G-D-R-Y), I've finally woken up to include some historical pix that I unearthed on a recent trip to my home cache. The next few entries provide a quaint and nostalgiac (oh, wait, that was one of my toons) look at my roots. Actually, it's easier to see one's roots when one has bed-head...

2005-11-29T23:21:00.000-06:00

Behind Schedule, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

Notice the crude pen marks, the use of lined paper, the faint shadows of drawings on the other side... This is historic stuff people!

In my aforementioned archaeological acquisitions (of astonishing alliterative allusions), I discovered that many of my toons were VERY rude and disgusting. Fortunately, I now have the presence of mind for self-censorship. But if anyone has any problems with my choice of drawing, please write me and I will take your opinion into consideration.

2005-11-29T23:19:00.000-06:00

Toxic Waste, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

Now, this fellow, on the other hand, marks somewhat of a transition in my artistic style. Crisper lines, confident and defined lettering, parsimony of symbolism (huh?)...

Unfortunately, the pun itself is ill-gained, and radiates groan-inducement.

Vac Scene

2005-04-21T23:54:00.000-05:00

Vac Scene, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

I'm sorry it's been so long, I kind of ran out of steam. I do vant to know Hoover da people dat were waiting...

Animal Pharm Part 3

2005-03-21T21:47:00.000-06:00

Animal Pharm Part 3, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

when you've got a frog in your throat, you might get a little horse, feel sick as a dog, clammy skin, get goose bumps, crabby... must be influenzoo

Animal Pharm Part 2

2005-03-19T09:02:00.000-06:00

Animal Pharm Part 2, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

what happens when you're high on the hog?

Animal Pharm Part 1

2005-03-18T10:14:00.000-06:00

Animal Pharm Part 1, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

another psych grad school favorite (for the blissfully unaware, each of these animals might be considered for the drugs underneath them)

Diagnoshes

2005-03-14T22:38:00.000-06:00

Diagnoshes, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

This made me famous (well, notorious) for my humor in graduate psychology programs all over the block (if anyone does not know what a "nosh" is, don't worry, I won't put you in charge of party snacks).

Pooh & Con

2005-03-10T22:04:00.000-06:00

Pooh & Con, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

I got a Milne of 'em

Ditties For Deities

2005-03-10T06:39:00.000-06:00

Ditties For Deities, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

Le Freak

2005-03-03T23:22:00.000-06:00

Freak Went, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

a little "left" of center, jumping the "gone"

Punk Rhyme #1 (pun crime)

2005-02-26T22:53:00.000-06:00

Racket Tears, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

This is a case of using oneself as a weapon. This particular crime attempt was foiled when a voice was heard "Who's making all that racket!"

Music (Muy Sick)

2005-02-25T20:15:00.000-06:00

Bait Oven, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

Your Days are...

2005-02-25T10:56:00.000-06:00

Numb Bird, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

what happens when you hit a fowl (ball) while taking an analgeese-ic...

An Easy One (the devil you say)

2005-02-20T23:58:00.000-06:00

Hell Toupee, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

talk about a hair-raising image...

Penne Tent

2005-02-19T09:36:00.000-06:00

Penne Tent, originally uploaded by K-FOAG.

At first, I was going to draw "pen a tent" but I liked this one better