I wouldn't ordinarily do this, because I tend to be a stickler for self-imposed rules, but I feel the need sometimes to express myself in words rather than toons (weird condition, I know). Anyways, a couple of years ago, I started getting emails from friends that included a list of words from a Washington Post contest or something, where the goal was to provide new definitions for words by altering the original words by one letter (for example, Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.).
So, taking up the challenge on my own, I decided to come up with my own personal list, sticking to the rules for the most part (adding, removing, or changing a single letter). Furthermore, as a compulsive quirk, I organized the list with representatives of each letter of the alphabet. SO, here they are, a non-visual deconstruction of the English Language:
Acronymph - Some EXpert Pornstar’s Official Title
Angoraphobia - the fear of wearing scratchy sweaters
Brat race - the life-style that turns your mind into sausage
Celestiality - fantasizing about having sex with animal constellations
Competer - the latest in electronic penile prosthetics
Dietribe - a group that comes together to lose weight but argues with other about which method is best
Downloaf - wasting time at your job copying music from the internet
Drive-shru – the voice that screams at you when you can’t decide what you want at the take-out window
Escalaid - scoring on a date as a result of one’s car (c.f. “Hummer”)
Euniche - the cavity in which men can tuck their testicles to appear female
Fellazio - after a long day at work, when you’re too tired for intercourse
Fondues – the food you lose when it falls off your skewer into the pot
Gastrophysics - the science of measuring projectile vomit
Gonafide - a positive paternity test
Hearshey - death by chocolate
Helter Skeltzer - used to relieve numbness from an excess of bad horror movies
Hospility - the nature of interactions with nursing staff under managed care
Incompoop - someone who invests in a time-share that turns out to be a cesspool
Irritable Bowl Syndrome - lacking cable TV, the sufferer can only watch one college football championship game
J-lox - used for tabloid indigestion
Judgmint - a lawyer’s salary
Kermidgeon - a grumpy old frog
Ku Klutz Klan - the last member died after tripping into a burning cross, because he forgot to cut the eye holes out of his sheet
Laissez-fair - attitude of settling for mediocrity
Loo Manchu - a mustache that resembles a toilet flusher
Misogymnast - athlete who believes gymnastics is for sissies
Multipry - several “inquiring minds” simultaneously asking for information
Nanysecond - the time it takes for a babysitter to change personality when the parents leave
Nocturinal - the alley behind a bar
Oprash - a skin condition caused by rapid weight fluctuations resulting from changing diets
Overboar - ridding a yacht party of a callous and tasteless guest
Psychiatryst - (kind of obvious...)
Pumple - a skin condition caused by excess use of anabolic steroids
Pyroglyphics - the writing is on the fire-wall
Quaundry - does light blue go with the whites or the colors?
Quiot - using an iPod to drown out the noise from a crowd
Renefade - an old rebel who was unable to “burn out”
Rogainer - a challenging board dive that leads to the loss of the swimmer’s hairpiece
Sandalism - destroying property with foot odor
Swimp Thing - a weakling half-man-half-vegetation mutant
Tigger finger - itching to silence rambunctious, obnoxious cartoon animals
Triump - winning on “The Apprentice”
Underwar - a fight to defend oneself against being given a wedgie
Valuum - a household appliance with a soothing hum
Vehiccup - the last sound a car makes before it dies
Webber grill - a device for torturing Andrew Lloyd
Wrecreation - a stick in the mud
Xerotix - using the office copy machine to make photocopies of genitalia
X-Rayon - see-through polyester clothing that causes skin cancer
Yes-mend - soothing a CEO’s bruised ego
Yestergay - trying to go back in the closet
Zomaybie - between alive and living-dead
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