Pun Krock

After viruses, Trojan horses, worms, bots, and other spyware, the latest in computer malware started from mental health billing software. It is malicious code that gives your computer a Personality Disorder. It might be difficult to detect, since every computer has a "personality." The following list should help distinguish "normal" computer "quirks" from actual pathology.

• the screen becomes all black and white
  
• sudden appearance of multiple users inaccessible to the main user/administrator
  

• computer cries when you try and shut down
  
• has greater impact on laptops, which cease working when you detach from dock and leave home with it
  

• the processor and RAM always indicate more power and memory than actually available;
  when you try and correct these errors manually, the drive crashes
  
• Desktop photo and screensaver are pictures of itself
  

• webcam is always on
  
• there is a delay between typing characters and seeing words on screen because the processor is trying to analyze hidden commands

This one goes out to the Newly Licensed triathlete AWESOME!!!!

While I'm giving my drawing hand a break (how's that for an excuse), I want to include one definition that was forged after the original list was committed to Word. My wife and I conjured this one up:

Opossthumous - describing work that is published after playing dead

I wouldn't ordinarily do this, because I tend to be a stickler for self-imposed rules, but I feel the need sometimes to express myself in words rather than toons (weird condition, I know). Anyways, a couple of years ago, I started getting emails from friends that included a list of words from a Washington Post contest or something, where the goal was to provide new definitions for words by altering the original words by one letter (for example, Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.).

So, taking up the challenge on my own, I decided to come up with my own personal list, sticking to the rules for the most part (adding, removing, or changing a single letter). Furthermore, as a compulsive quirk, I organized the list so that I would have two representatives from each letter of the alphabet. SO, here they are, a non-visual deconstruction of the English Language:

Acronymph - Some EXpert Pornstar’s Official Title

Angoraphobia - the fear of wearing scratchy sweaters

Bibble - book shaped napkin used by fundamentalists for protecting themselves from the hypocritical drivel that spews forth from their mouths

Bore-Again Christian - (self-explanatory)

Brat race - the life-style that turns your mind into sausage

Celestiality - fantasizing about having sex with animal constellations

Competer - the latest in electronic penile prosthetics

Dietribe - a group that comes together to lose weight but argues with other about which method is best

Downloaf - wasting time at your job copying music from the internet

Dreadlock - when two rastafarians cannot disentangle their hair after sex

Drive-shru – the voice that screams at you when you can’t decide what you want at the take-out window

E-meril - annoying electronic communication that is announced with ‘Bam!’

Escalaid - scoring on a date as a result of one’s car (c.f. “Hummer”)

Euniche - the cavity in which men can tuck their testicles to appear female

Fellazio - after a long day at work, when you’re too tired for intercourse

Fondues – the food you lose when it falls off your skewer into the pot

Gastrophysics - the science of measuring projectile vomit

Gonafide - a positive paternity test

Hearshey - death by chocolate

Helter Skeltzer - used to relieve numbness from an excess of bad horror movies

Hospility - the nature of interactions with nursing staff under managed care

Incompoop - someone who invests in a time-share that turns out to be a cesspool

Irritable Bowl Syndrome - lacking cable TV, the sufferer can only watch one college football championship game

J-lox - used for tabloid indigestion

Judgmint - a lawyer’s salary

Kermidgeon - a grumpy old frog

Ku Klutz Klan - the last member died after tripping into a burning cross, because he forgot to cut the eye holes out of his sheet

Laissez-fair - attitude of settling for mediocrity

Loo Manchu - a mustache that resembles a toilet flusher

Misogymnast - athlete who believes gymnastics is for sissies

Multipry - several “inquiring minds” simultaneously asking for information

Nanysecond - the time it takes for a babysitter to change personality when the parents leave

Nocturinal - the alley behind a bar

Oprash - a skin condition caused by rapid weight fluctuations resulting from changing diets

Overboar - ridding a yacht party of a callous and tasteless guest

Psychiatryst - (kind of obvious...)

Pumple - a skin condition caused by excess use of anabolic steroids

Pyroglyphics - the writing is on the fire-wall

Quaundry - does light blue go with the whites or the colors?

Quiot - using an iPod to drown out the noise from a crowd

Renefade - an old rebel who was unable to “burn out”

Rogainer - a challenging board dive that leads to the loss of the swimmer’s hairpiece

Sandalism - destroying property with foot odor

Swimp Thing - a weakling half-man-half-vegetation mutant

Tigger finger - itching to silence rambunctious, obnoxious cartoon animals

Triump - winning on “The Apprentice”

Udderby - a wet T-shirt contest

Underwar - a fight to defend oneself against being given a wedgie

Valuum - a household appliance with a soothing hum

Vehiccup - the last sound a car makes before it dies

Vindictment - a sentence handed down with spite: repeated viewings of “The Pacifier”

Webber grill - a device for torturing Andrew Lloyd

Wrecreation - a stick in the mud

Xerotix - using the office copy machine to make photocopies of genitalia

X-Rayon - see-through polyester clothing that causes skin cancer

Yes-mend - soothing a CEO’s bruised ego

Yestergay - trying to go back in the closet

Zebla - someone bored with racial distinctions

Zomaybie - between alive and living-dead

Another stretch for the new year, this time requiring an effort of Punz & Franz to pump--YOU up! But then push-comes-to-shove'll get you every time.
(p.s. check out who's on TV... in a ditch-ital format, spade-for by pub-lic Attilavision. C'mon, everyone, pylon!)
I dedicate this toon to my mom, who passed away one year ago today

Happy New Year!! I thought I would start the year off with a bit of a stretch.

A hit from yesteryear, boy time sherpa-sses by quickly.

Another one from the archives, singing Bovi-nagila. Sometimes being a bull in a china shop is a welcome thing, I guess

What happens when you eat too many French fries, French toast, and French dressing. Get an Eiffel of this... and you will be stricken by Arche-hives... Puni encore!