April 06, 2008
Axis II Malware
After viruses, Trojan horses, worms, bots, and other spyware, the latest in computer malware started from mental health billing software. It is malicious code that gives your computer a Personality Disorder. It might be difficult to detect, since every computer has a "personality." The following list should help distinguish "normal" computer "quirks" from actual pathology.
How to recognize the types identified thus far:
Antisocial
- Sells your private info to other ASPD computers on network
- hogs processing power from other programs, corrupting their files in doing so
Avoidant
- information in hard drive will not come out
- Chat programs malfunction unless friend rating is 100%
Borderline
- the screen becomes all black and white
- sudden appearance of multiple users inaccessible to the main user/administrator
Dependent
- computer cries when you try and shut down
- has greater impact on laptops, which cease working when you detach from dock and leave home with it
Histrionic
- the graphics improve dramatically, but when you try and zoom in for more detail, the page disappears
- when recalling saved documents, key words are missing
Narcissistic
- the processor and RAM always indicate more power and memory than actually available;
when you try and correct these errors manually, the drive crashes - Desktop photo and screensaver are pictures of itself
Obsessive-Compulsive
- spellcheck is always on
- errors of Boolean logic and basic computer code occur, because the processor cannot decide between 0's and 1's
- Will not allow you to empty trash/recycle bin
Paranoid
- webcam is always on
- there is a delay between typing characters and seeing words on screen because the processor is trying to analyze hidden commands
Passive-Aggressive
- applications freeze unexpectedly, and just as you are about to give up and restart, they start up again, and then freeze right before you try and save your work
- the keyboard is frequently charged with static electricity
Schizoid
- keyboard will not operate if touched by skin
- the screen only operates in grayscale
- all photos become black outlines
Schizotypal
- all fonts become mixed together and formatting changes randomly
- sudden responses to infra-red signals from distant devices
- mp3s start playing backwards
